I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
