it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
