I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
