mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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