i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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