I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
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