Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
