I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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