When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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