she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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