Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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