i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
