Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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