its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
