maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
