First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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