Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
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