Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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