I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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