See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You pole danced in your parka.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
