Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
