That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
