So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
