Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
