PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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