do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
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