u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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