Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
