I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
