it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
