Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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