Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
this hospital has no fireball
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
