I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Randomize
