Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
