If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
