They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize