I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
