Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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