mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
