Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize