I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
