Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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