im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
splinters make it hard to masturbate
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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