You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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