So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize