I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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