You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
