It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Randomize
