So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
