the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
