Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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