my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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