don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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