there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
