So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
