i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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