tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
