Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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