You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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